


stop i could have dropped my crossiant

by lovemepidge



Category: Haikyuu!!, ハイパープロジェクション演劇「ハイキュー!!」| Hyper Projection Play "Haikyuu!!" RPF
Genre: Anime References, Bad Puns, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Crack with Some Plot, Dating, F/F, Fluff and Humor, Fluff without Plot, Fuckery, Getting Together, Humor, Idiots in Love, Kissing, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Minor Akaashi Keiji/Kozume Kenma, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Hinata Shouyou, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Flirting, Platonic Relationships, Polyamory, Protective Kageyama Tobio, Sex Jokes, Sexual Humor, Shimizu is a secret weeb, Sleeping Together, Suga is done with everyones shit, chat fic, kageyama is so whipped for hinata, like in the same bed, team mom, they made out like once, yaichi is really gay for her
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-02-23 14:16:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23812846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemepidge/pseuds/lovemepidge
Summary: Gremlin: I JUST FELL DOWN KAGEYAMAS STAIRS AND HE GOES “Oh, be careful.” AS IF I DIDNT ALREADY FALL DOWN THE STAIRS ALREADYGuchi’s daddy: thats our kingDaddy: did he push youGremlin: yes..Daddy: why did he push you?Gremlin: i asked him what a hickey wasHoe: but did he tell you?? sHoW YoU????Gremlin: he pushed me down the stairs, oikawa
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Kozume Kenma, Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Haiba Lev/Yaku Morisuke, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, More relationships to add - Relationship, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Shimizu Kiyoko/Yachi Hitoka
Comments: 24
Kudos: 430





	1. Chapter 1

Gremlin: Hinata  
Lev: long leg  
Unexpected bottom: Iwaziami  
Guchi’s daddy: Tsukki  
Daddy: Daichi  
Demon senpai: Yaku  
Mad dog: kyoutani  
Hoe: oikawa  
Aone:  
Terushima:  
Koganekawa:  
Suga:  
Yamaguchi:  
Shimizu:  
Yaichi:  
Simp 1: Noya  
Simp 2: Tanaka  
Asahi:  
Narita:  
Enoshita:  
Kuroo:  
Kenma:  
Bokuto: 

Hinata has added Kageyama, Tsukishima and others to ‘Volleyball Group Chat :DDD’

Bokuto: HEY HEY HEY

Kuroo: o h

Oikawa: is iwa chan here?

Iwaziami: sadly

Akaashi: why

Suga: oh hinata, what have you done?

Enoshita: im scared

Aone: who are you guys

Kageyama: …..

Kageyama has left ‘Volleyball Group Chat :DDD’

Hinata: Bakayama!

Hinata has added Kageyama to ‘Volleyball Group Chat :DDD’

Yaichi: owo whats dis?

Hinata: a group chat for our teams! 

Hinata: Plus our lovely managers of course they belong here

Yaku: oh fuck no

Tanaka: OH FUCK YEAH

Noya: RYUUUUU

Tanaka: NOYAAAAA

Kageyama: i dont want to be here

Tsukishima: neither

Noya: thats the first time i have ever seen those two agree on something

Daichi: same

Kuroo: *wipes tear* they grow up so fast

Narita: oh lord what is this

Hinata: I thought a group chat would be cool!

Kenma: who is in this chat?

Hinata: all of my team and our managers, and kuroo, you kenma, kyoutani, aone, yaku, bokuto, akaashi, lev, iwaziami, terushima, and koganekawa since those are all the emails i have :0

Suga: sometimes i wonder how innocent you still are and wonder if its just an act

Kageyama: heh, i mean sometimes it seems like it but then i realise he’s just an idiot

Hinata: 0.0

Hinata: b-bAkaYamA acTuALLy LaUghEd?????

Tanaka: G A S P

Tsukishima: i dont think its a good thing

Terushima: im concered

Asahi: please go to sleep 

Akaashi: please, its midnight

Noya: oh no guys you’ll worry asahi!!

Hinata: but i cant sleep!!!

Hinata: my minds all BLAHHHHH!!!!!

Kageyama: we gotta get some adderall for this kid

Hinata: whats adderall? And im older than you!!

kuroo: hinata is older than kags?

Hinata: im 15 already and hes still 14

Hinata: ah, they grow up so fast

Kageyama: i will shove a cactus down your throat

Hinata: yeah! Well i’ll shove something else down your throat!!

Noya: pSCHH

Kenma: oh shouyo

Bokuto: hey hey hey ;)

Lev: KiNkY

Tanaka: HAHHJHJHJHJHGFGCFGHBJHGTFRDESERDTFYGUHJKLJHGF

Hinata: ?

Tsukishima: heh

Yamaguchi: hinata i dont think you realise how dirty that sounds

Tsukishima: shut up yamaguchi

Yamaguchi: sorry tsukki!

Kuroo: tsukki youre so mean to yama, tut tut tut

Tsukishima: dont call me tsukki

Hinata: i still dont get it

Kenma: you wouldnt

Noya: shouyo still has the mentality of a grade schooler

Tsukishima: and you still have the height of a grade schooler

Daichi: tsukishima!

Noya: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY

Tanaka: TF YOU SAYING ABOUT MY BRO

Noya: BRO LET ME GET ON YOUR SHOULDERS

Tanaka: OF COURSE BRO

Noya: NOW CHARGE

Tanaka: YEAHHHHHHHHHH

Shimizu: *attack on titan theme plays*

Akaashi: i can see that

Enoshita: lmao 

Narita: yes

Tsukishima: but whos the titan? Me or the monstrosity those two are

Hinata: both!

Tanaka: TITAN FIGHT TITAN FIGHT TITAN FIGHT

Noya: TITAN FIGHT TITAN FIGHT TITAN FIGHT

Bokuto: TITAN FIGHT TITAN FIGHT TITAN FIGHT

Kuroo: TITAN FIGHT TITAN FIGHT TITAN FIGHT

Lev: TITAN FIGHT TITAN FIGHT TITAN FIGHT

Hinata: TITAN FIGHT TITAN FIGHT TITAN FIGHT

Kageyama:.... Titan fight?

Hinata: YEAH!

Yaichi: please dont fight!!

Hinata: guys!!!

Hinata: youre scaring yaichi!!!

Noya: sorry, sorry

Tanaka: i never knew that shimizu watched anime

Tanaka: she just keeps getting better and better!!!

Noya: truly

Noya: a goddess

Daichi: Noya, you have a boyfriend

Hinata: WAIT HE DOES???

Daichi: ….did you not know?

Hinata: WHO 

Hinata: WHAT 

Hinata: WHEN

Hinata: WHERE

Hinata: HOW

Noya: i still dont know how tbh

Asahi: because i love you..

Tsukishima: disgusting

Hinata: OHHHH

Hinata: ITS ASAHI

Kageyama: huh

Kageyama: you can like boys?

Kenma: its 2020

Noya: yes, im bi kags

Kageyama: ….

Kageyama: whats bi???

Shimizu: it means that noya just likes whoever has the smallest amount of feelings for him

Noya: im hurt, but shes right

Tanaka: so straightforward and honest

Tanaka: id totally marry her

Noya: put a ring on it girl!

Tsukishima: simps

Tsukishima has changed Noya to simp 1

Tsukishima has changed Tanaka to simp 2

Shimizu: i like girls

Simp 2: omg 

Simp 2: i do too

Shimizu: women.

Shimizu: thats what i like.

Simp 2: mhm mhm, love them as well

Shimizu: boobs.

Shimizu: actually no i like my girls flat

Simp 2: what a coincidence, i do too!

Simp 2: marry me shimizu

Shimizu: i dont think you get what im trying to say here

Simp 2: i totally get it

Simp 1: mhm

Shimizu: I like girls

Shimizu: women

Shimizu: People of the females

Simp 2: i do too!

Shimizu: …

Shimizu: Yaichi?

Yaichi: yes?

Shimizu: You are a girl, yes?

Yaichi: Yes I am

Shimizu: Do you also like girls?

Yaichi: yup! 

Yaichi Im pansexual

Simizu: Do you want to go out with me?

Yaichi: …

Yaichi: w h a t?

Yaichi: really?!?!

Shimizu: Of course

Yaichi: YES PLEASE

Shimizu: Yaichi is now my girlfriend

Shimizu: Since WE BOTH LIKE GIRLS AND ARE GIRLS W E can get married

Shimizu: therefore, I can not get married to any boys

Simp 2: :(

Simp 1: asahi?

Asashi: mhm?

Simp 1: do you want to get married?

Asahi: huh? We’re 17 its too early for that

Simp 1: WHY DOES IT WORK WHEN SHIMIZU ASKS PEOPLE

Hinata: because she’s pretty!

Simp 1: YOU SAID I WAS PRETTY

Shimizu: Thank you Shouyo

Narita: sometimes i see noya and asashi and cry about being single

Enoshita: 90% of my socks are single and you dont see them crying do you

Narita: no…

Oikawa: its so cute how tobio just now realised that its possible to like boys

Kageyama: oh i know that, ive seen your manga collection

Oikawa: yoU LITTLE RUNT

Kuroo: OIKAWA READS BL

Iwaziami: in times like this, i want to throw our relationship out the window

Oikawa: THEY ARE FOR REFERENCES O N L Y

Oikawa: and you seemed to enjoy what i could do thanks to those manga

Iwaziami: shut up

Kuroo has changed Iwaziami to unexpected bottom

Hinata: i still cant sleep..

Kageyama: wanna practice at mine? Its closer to school so you can stay the night if you want

Hinata: im on my way!

Simp 2: how the fuck-

Oikawa: ;)

Suga: you guys can actually get along??

Shimizu: its almost midnight 

Daichi: im surprised that you guys can stop arguing enough to even be able to sleep together in the same room

Hinata: ive slept over at his house before you know!

Hinata: his bed is soooo comfy and warm

Kageyama: idiot! Shut up!

Simp 1: gAY-

Lev: OOOOOO YOU GUYS HAVE SHARED A BED BEFORE

Oikawa: get it tobio

Hinata: all we did was share a bed? Oh and his shirt sometimes although its super big and baggy

Kageyama: shut up or you’re never staying over ever again

Kageyama: and i want my shirt back

Hinata: but i like it!

Kageyama: doesnt mean you can take it!

Suga: how cute, your first lovers quarrell

Hinata: what

Kageyama: WE’RE NOT LOVERS

Kageyama: and hinata where tf are you

Hinata: im biking!

Kageyama: then get off your phone!

Kageyama: youll fucking crash or something

Hinata: youre so vulgar bakayama!

Kageyama: EYES ON THE GODDAMN ROAD

Kageyama: OR YOURE SLEEPING OUTSIDE

Shimizu: I never knew that you two were sleeping together

Kageyama: NOT IN THAT WAY

Tsukishima: the king will probably want to in no doubt less than a month if he doesnt already

Kageyama: dont call me the king

Kageyama: god wasted a good asshole when he put teeth in your mouth

Tsukishima: your mother must have been disappointed when the abortion only killed your brain cells

Daichi: guys stop

Kageyama: I’ll plant a mango tree in your mother’s pussy and then fuck your brother in it’s shade

Kageyama: wait no

Asashi: oh lord

Bokuto: idk man sounds kinda gay

Tsukishima: hinata will be disappointed

Kageyama: I AM NOT GAY FOR HINATA

Tsukishima: ah, so blind and oblivious

Hinata: kageyama open up its cold out here

Oikawa: maybe the king will warm you up in there ;))

Hinata: I hope so! My hands are freezing

Kageyama: HINATA SHUT UP

Hinata: I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING WRONG WHAT

Kageyama: im not unlocking the door

Hinata: fine 

Hinata: im going to yamaguchi’s house then

Yamaguchi: back door is unlocked

Tsukishima: king you better let him in i am not spending the night with that gremlin

Tsukishima has changed Hinata to Gremlin

Kageyama: FINE

Kageyama: JUST CLIMB THROUGH MY WINDOW OR SOMETHING

Gremlin: nvm i forgot i had a key

Kageyama: ……

Kageyama: how do you have a key to my house

Gremlin: your mom gave me the extra one since im over a lot

Oikawa: suspicious

Suga: how do you even spend so much time with him without arguing constantly

Gremlin: magic

Simp 2: why havent we been invited over

Simp 1: Yeah! 

Daichi: because you two would wreck his house

Kageyama: you have to reach level 7 of friendship to be able to visit my home

Kenma: Hinata just used to barge in didnt he?

Kageyama: pretty much

Hinata: hmph

Hinata: your mom likes me

Hinata: she calls me her son in law

Tsukishima: even his mother knows before him

Kageyama: FOR FUCK SAKE

Tsukishima: denial is a strong drug

Kageyama: i hate you

Oikawa: how r00d of you

Kageyama: and you, especially you

Kenma: poor shouyo, you shouldnt talk to him the way you do..

Kageyama: go bleach your roots creep

Kuroo: HEY DONT TALK TO HIM LIKE THAT

Suga: was that a sailor moon dub reference?

Kageyama: yes

Suga: im proud

Gremlin: kageyama where are your animal crackers theyre not here

Oikawa: feed your bae some animal crackers off your di-

Kageyama: I ate them last night

Gremlin: …..

Gremlin: YOU COULDNT HAVE WAITED ONE NIGHT 

Kageyama: I AM NOT ENTITLED TO GIVE YOU SOME

Daichi: guys

Daichi: stop before i ground you

Suga: youre such a dad babe

Suga has changed Daichi to Daddy

Daddy: …..

Oikawa: yall w i l d

Tsukishima: disguting

Kuroo: oh tsukki, dont act like you havent been called daddy before

Tsukishima: i havent

Yamaguchi: im hurt

Daddy: wait what

Tsukishima: SHUT UP YAMAGUCHI

Simp 1: HAH I KNEW SOMETHING WAS BETWEEN YOU GUYS

Simp 2: YAMAGUCHI CALLS TSUKKI DADDY ASDFGH

Simp 2 has changed Tsukishima to Guchi’s daddy

Bokuto: karasuno be wildin out here

Yaku: yall BOLD

Lev has changed Yaku to Demon senpai

Demon senpai: brb going to kick lev’s ass

Lev: nOOO

Demon senpai: fuck you

Kuroo: yaku

Demon senpai: what?

Kuroo: apologise to lev

Demon senpai: fine

Lev: ….

Demon senpai: unfuck you or whatever

Oikawa has changed Lev to long legs

Oikawa has changed kyoutani to Mad Dog

Mad dog has changed Oikawa to Hoe

Hoe: hey!

Hoe: Bokuto is more of a hoe than i am!

Bokuto: dont pin this on me!

Hoe: Bokuto wears knee pads that cover his thighs because of thigh hickies by akaashi!

Akaashi: …

Akaashi: no comment

Kuroo: so its true then ;)))

Kenma: sigh

Gremlin: whats a hickey?

Hoe: ask kageyama :)

Gremlin: Ok!

Unexpected bottom: stop meddling, they should figure it that they wanna smash faces together on their own

Daddy: even iwa thinks so too

Suga: you two are like the dads of your teams

Kenma: that makes you a mom

Hoe: DOES THIS MEAN IM A MOTHER

Unexpected bottom: im a single father, recently divorced, 44

Hoe: IWAAA CHANNNNNNN

Unexpected bottom: I will make you get those thigh pads bokuto has if you dont shut the fuck up

Hoe: that wouldnt be punishment

Kuroo: ya fucking machosist bottom

Hoe: SHUT UPPPPP

Hoe: WHO HAS DIRT ON KENMA AND KUROOOO

Bokuto: i have dirt on akaashi and kenma -.-

Hoe: DO SHARE

Bokuto: kuroo and i walked into kenma and akaashi getting it on in a maintenince closet once -.-

Hoe: I-

Suga: didnt expect tHaT

Hoe: NEITHER WTF

Akaashi: no comment

Kenma: we got bored

Kuroo: when youre bored with me yOU DONT GO TO MAKEOUT WITH ME

Bokuto: KENMA AKAASHI WAS BETWEEN YOUR LEGS

Bokuto: YOU WERE L Y I N G B A C K O N T H E M A T S

Bokuto: it took me years for me to even hug akaashi and you guys meet for a day and start making out in a closet :(

Kenma: im just fucking adorable

Akaashi: yeah

Kuroo: yes you are but 

Kuroo: BA B E

Kenma: we were not even together then kuroo

Akaashi: practice for bokuto

Bokuto: AWWWW

Akaashi: shut up

Gremlin: I JUST FELL DOWN KAGEYAMS STAIRS AND HE GOES “Oh, be careful.” AS IF I DIDNT ALREADY FALL DOWN THE STAIRS ALREADY

Guchi’s daddy: thats our king

Daddy: did he push you

Gremlin: yes..

Daddy: why did he push you?

Gremlin: i asked him what a hickey was

Hoe: but did he tell you?? sHoW YoU????

Gremlin: he pushed me down the stairs, oikawa

Kageyama: who the fuck told him to ask me that

Hoe: he wanted to know and i thought it would be a teachable moment :)

Kageyama: teachable moment my ass

Hoe: no thanks i have iwa chan

Unexpected bottom: take him

Gremlin: i still havent gotten an answer

Long leg: if you throw a cabbage in the air he will come right back down because he misses you very much

Gremlin: not the answer i was looking for but the answer i needed

Simp 1: nose

Simp 1: HAHA I JUST TYPED NOSE WITH MY NOSE

Yamaguchi: heart 

Simp 1: what the fuck

Simp 2: yama are you okay?

Simp 2: Y A M A?

Simp 1: FUCK WE LOST GUCHI

Guchi’s daddy: hes fine he just passed out from laughing so much

Simp 1: I-

Suga: but is my son ok or-

Guchi’s daddy: hes fine

Kuroo: i just scooted my chair and felt the vibrations in my asshole does this mean im gay

Bokuto: that was just me sending chakra vibrations to your prostate dont worry about it bro

Kuroo: ok bro vibes received, namaste

Kenma: i worry about you guys sometimes

Bokuto: you should have worried about us when you were makING OUT WITH MY BOYF

Kenma: this was a year ago

Akaashi: no regrets

Kenma: none

Bokuto: :(

Kuroo: bokuto wanna make out

Bokuto: sure bro

Bokuto: but first, if i was a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seed?

Kenma: he’d crush you between his legs

Kuroo: what he said

Bokuto: i would come make out with you but im self isolating bby

Suga: kinda feel bad for attractive people who are now having to communicate with their words for the first time and realizing they dont have a personality

Hoe: i feel attacked

Kenma: you shouldnt

Simp 2: if oikawa was a spice hed be flour

Hoe: STOP BULLYING ME

Hoe: IWA CHAN DO SOMETHING

Unexpected bottom: no

Unexpected bottom: your existence is confusing

Hoe: how so?

Unexpected bottom: Your presence is annoying but the thought of anything bad happening to you upsets me

Kuroo: thats called love, Iwaziami

Unexpected bottom: oh

Unexpected bottom: ew

Asahi: my boyfriend made fun of me so im putting up a petition to put him down

Daddy: you wont do that

Asahi: yes i will

Daddy: think about what life would be like without noya

Asahi: …

Asahi: fUck,,,

Simp 1: WHO MADE HIM CRY

Daddy: if you all dont go to sleep im going to kill everyone in this group chat and then myself

Shimizu: I just told Yaichi that I was on my period and she texted back asking how her little ketchup packet is doing

Narita: lmao

Simp 1: PSCHH

Kuroo: ICONIC

Yaichi: I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND IDK WHAT TO SAY

Enoshita: agreed, girls are pretty af

Kuroo: theyre pretty scary too

Hoe: a fan of mine wanted me to go to her volleyball game so i went and a fight broke up between two of the girls and one of them pulled the other girls hair and the other girl just said “I liked it better when your boyfriend pulled it” and nobody knew what to do, not even the ref

Suga: thats so.,,,,powerful

Demon senpai: queen

Daddy: girls either amaze me or scare me or both

Simp 1: sometimes i wanna be as terrifying as them

Simp 1: fuck gender i wanna be legally classified as a biohazard!

Simp 2: Good news! In 2020 you can be!

Asahi: i sleep with a biohazard

Gremlin: i sleep with a knife under my pillow

Long legs: weak. I sleep with a gun

Bokuto: youre both pathetic

Long legs: oh? And what do you sleep with?

Bokuto: akaashi.

Akaashi: last time we shared a bed you kicked me in the face in my sleep

Bokuto: i said i was sowwy!!!!

Daddy: GO TO BED

Gremlin: kageyama wont let me upstairs

Kageyama: because you are holding a knife

Gremlin: ITS SCARY DOWNSTAIRS

Gremlin: I NEED IT 

Gremlin: NOW LET me crawl into your bed pls its cold and im babey

Kageyama: fine

Gremlin: guys hes red

Hoe: AW HES BLUSHING

Guchi’s daddy: told you so

Kageyama: IM NOT

Kageyama: HINATA GET IN MY BED OR YOU SLEEP OUTSIDE

Gremlin: IM GOIN!

Daddy: NOW SLEEP


	2. Chapter 2

Gremlin: Hinata  
Lev: long leg  
Unexpected bottom: Iwaziami  
Guchi’s daddy: Tsukki  
Daddy: Daichi  
Demon senpai: Yaku  
Mad dog: kyoutani  
Hoe: oikawa  
Aone:  
Terushima:  
Koganekawa: Angry bird  
Suga:  
Yahaba:   
Yamaguchi:  
Ushijima:   
Shimizu:  
Tendou:  
Yaichi:  
Simp 1: Noya  
Simp 2: Tanaka  
Asahi:  
Narita:  
Enoshita:  
Kuroo:  
Kenma:  
Bokuto:  
Akaashi:

Simp 2: GUYS GUYS GUYS

Simp 2: GUYS GUYS GUYS

Simp 2: GUYS GUYS GUYS

Guchi’s daddy: what

Simp 2: ASADSHFSDSASA

Simp 1: SPIT IT OUT BRO!

Gremlin: What is it senpai?!

Simp 2: YOU GUYS KNOW THAT GIRL KANOKA

Gremlin: from the first time we arrived nationals?

Simp 1: the one where i almost fell into her boobs?

Simp 1: i was so close…

Asahi: -.-

Simp 1: sowwy

Simp 2: YES THAT ONE

Simp 2: WE ACTUALLY WENT ON A DATE

Simp 2: I WENT ON AN ACTUAL DATE

Simp 2: WITH A REAL LIFE GIRL

Gremlin: WOAHHHHHHH

Simp 1: GET IT RYU

Yamaguchi: congrats!

Shimizu: Good

Shimizu: You deserve happiness Tanaka

Simp 2: THANK YOU SHIMIZU

Enoshita: I TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAD A CHANCE

Simp 2: AHHHHHH

Simp 2: SHES SO PRETTY

Simp 2: BUT THE THING IS

Simp 2: SHE ISNT SCARED OF ME

Gremlin: amazing! 

Daddy: is that why you havent arrived at ennoshita’s yet

Simp 2: IM COMING BACK NOW

Simp 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Simp 1: IM SO PROUD OF YOU RYU

Hoe: get it girl

Simp 2: I WENT ON A DATE WITH A GIRLLLLLLLLL

Gremlin: yayyyy!!!!

Koganekawa: one day, i want to feel as accomplished as tanaka right now!

Simp 2: THANK YOU ANGRY BIRD

Guchi’s daddy: pshc

Guchi’s daddy has changed Koganekawa to Angry bird

Angry bird: HEY IM NOT AN ANGRY BIRD

Angry bird: IM A STONE WALL

Angry bird: A HARD STONE WALL

Aone: compared to me koganekawa

Aone: you’re a stick wall and I’m a stone palace

Hoe: aone out here throwing SHADE

Demon senpai: walls can be penetrated easily if done right

Long leg: you know what else can be penetrated

Demon senpai: im going to kill you

Long leg: yes daddy, please

Simp 2: YALL THIRSTY AF

Daddy: NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN

Suga: HINATA DONT READ THAT

Long leg: h i n a t a r e a d i t

Gremlin: …...

Gremlin: im scared

Bakayama: you should be

Daddy: dont even think about corrupting hinata

Aone: you havent replied to my paperwork yet daichi

Daddy: and im not going to

Aone: coward

Hoe: paperwork?

Suga: aone sent 25 pages of reasons why he should adopt hinata with an adoption sheet for daichi and i to sign

Bokuto: BUT I WANTED TO ADOPT HINATA

Daddy: NOBODY IS TAKING MY CHILDREN

Bokuto: then i guess you shall be KILLED

Suga: he cant die we have 10 kids

Bokuto: akaashi will make a great housewife dont worry

Guchi’s daddy: id literally rather die

Akaashi: no

Bokuto: but akaaaaasssshhhhiiiiii

Akaashi: dont write it out like youre moaning

Kuroo: dont worry everyone knows that bokuto is a top

Akaashi: say that to my face

Kuroo: just so you know your maintenance closet isnt soundproof

Kenma: is that how you found akaashi and i making out

Akaashi: probably

Hoe: oOoOOOHh TheY hEarD ORGAsMs

Daddy: hinata is in this chat

Daddy: i repeat

Daddy: hinata is in this chat

Gremlin: whats an orgasm?

Simp 1: its when you fold paper into birds and shit

Simp 2: thats oregano you fucking idiot

kuroo: i want to smash both of your heads into a wall

Simp 2: stfu

Simp 1: IM THE ONE WITH THE BIG BRAIN HERE

Suga: noya one time you tried to outrun the entire second year grade when you stole a frog from one of the science classrooms

Simp 1: he needed to be set free okay

Asahi: didnt you hide it at your house for 2 months until it died

Simp 1: yes

Simp 2: and didnt you hold a funeral for it

Simp 1: its what he would have wanted okay

Suga: how did you know it was a boy

Simp 1: we had this connection

Simp 1: and because i fucking said so

Hoe: chill

Simp 2: noya, just, has these strong opinions on everything

Simp 2: go on, ask him a thing that nobody should have an opinion on

Kenma: whats the worst possile multiple of five?

Simp 1: OBVIOUSLY 10

Simp 1: i hate that number

Gremlin: what did the little giant do to you hUH??

Kuroo: I just heard yaku scream stop pinching me and lev reply suggestively, its called platonic bdsm and then i heard another scream along with what sounded like a police taser

Suga: mood

Terushima: concerning…

Daddy: since when was this dude here?

Terushima: i lurk

Terushima: also i just found out that my ex-girlfriend buys weed from a lesbian dominatrix who banned her from DJing at her strip club because she kept playing her version of “Lean on me” made entirely of samples of Homer saying d’oh so i needed something to distract myself lol

Kenma: I-

Simp 2: sorry w h a t

Demon senpai: amazing

Kuroo: every sentence in that paragraph is better than the last

Hoe: damn

Daddy: there are children here

Terushima: chibi-chan?

Hoe: thats my nickname for him!

Simp 2: here we go again

Bakayama: STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT

Hoe: oh 

Hoe: but 

Hoe: why 

Hoe: tobio?

Gremlin: kageyama?

Bakayama: because i fucking said so

Bakayama: fuck off oikawa

Daddy: kageyama calm down

Bakayama: no hes pissing me off

Hoe: we were just talking about chibi-chan 

Hoe: unless you dont like me talkng about hinata that way

Hoe: are you jealous? 

Hoe: Scared? 

Hoe: Do you think im going to take your precious chibi-chan away from you?

Gremlin: guys..? 

Bakayama: why would i be scared?

Bakayama: i couldnt care less about him

Hoe: but thats not true is it? 

Hoe: You really do worry about him dont you

Daddy: shut up 

Daddy: both of you

Bakayama: no.

Hoe: if you dont care about him then you obviously wouldnt care if i were to, say, 

Hoe: take him away from you

Bakayama: fuck off

Unexpected bottom: oikawa 

Unexpected bottom: stop pushing kageyama 

Terushima: you know this group chat really isnt stable

Kuroo: i suggest an orgy to save our friendship

Daddy: no

Terushima: i hope you cum hot glue

Kuroo: yeah what he said

Kuroo: wait what

Simp 2: THAT WOULD HURT SO MUCH WTF

Simp 1: owwwww

Shimizu: that hurt, and I’m a girl

Demon senpai: i just felt my whole dick just go back inside of me

Long leg: ew

Kuroo: now how is lev going to make a move on you huh?

Demon senpai: bad idea

Long leg: he once pinned me up against a wall by slamming his foot into the wall between my legs and it was SO CLOSE to hitting my dick

Demon senpai: ill fucking do it again

Long leg: pls no

Demon senpai: next time i wont miss

Long leg: 0.0

Kuroo: sorry lev, but not everyone likes you, youre not hinata

Long leg: not everyone likes hinata

Kuroo: ..

Long leg: wait-

Kenma: i have a knife, names. Now.

Guchi’s daddy: the leader of the shouyo hinata fanclub everybody

Kenma: youre next

Guchi’s daddy: if you can reach me

Kuroo: if he gets on my shoulders youre in for a ride buddy

Kenma: we will be invincible

Kuroo: yes

Kuroo: but if you touch kenma ill kill you

Long leg: 0.0

Simp 1: wowie

Kuroo: i will protect every innocent person in this group chat! Espcially the managers!

Yaichi: yayyy! :3

Yaichi: help me protect my beautiful gf

Shimizu: one of my ex boyfriends said that my boobs were saggy

Shimizu: jokes on him ive felt bread harder than his dick

Daddy: THE CHILDREN

Kuroo: ALRIGHTY FIRST ONE TO KILL, HE’S ONE THE LIST

Suga: NICE ONE

Terushima: QUEEN

Hoe: OMG PERIOD SIS

Simp 2: ILL BEAT HIS ASS

Simp 2: STUPID CITY BOY

Guchi’s daddy: hehe shitty boy

Simp 2: SHUT UP

Gremlin: guys we have a problem

Daddy: hang on im not drunk enough for this

Guchi’s Daddy: If you mean the flaming volleyball net, that’s our solution to last week’s problem

Suga: did you cause it?

Gremlin: i hope not!

Simp 1: what happened?

Gremlin: bakayama wont talk to me -.-

Bakayama: maybe if you didnt make it out to my mother that we’re dating when we’re not i would talk to you

Gremlin: SHE JUST ASKED HOW FAR WE HAVE GONE TOGETHER   
AND I THOUGHT SHE MEANT WITH OUR VOLLEYBALL   
CLUB   
AND I SAID THAT WE’RE NOW GREAT WITH BALLS   
HOW DOES THAT MEAN THAT WE’RE DATING

Bakayama: …

Guchi’s daddy: oh hinata

Guchi’sdaddy: you dumb bitch

Kenma: shouyo…

Long leg: you poor innocent soul

Suga: thats not what she meant honey

Terushima: someone explain it to the poor boy

Hoe: oh chibi-chan

Simp 2: you basically just told kageyama’s mother that you guys are great with balls that are not volleyballs

Gremlin: …..

Gremlin: oh

Gremlin: o h

Gremlin: WAHHHH!!!

Gremlin: I THPUOUGHT SHE MEANT SOMETHING ELSEEEEE

Bakayama: YEAH HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL

Bakayama: MY MOTHER THINKS THAT YOURE MY BOYFRIEND

Hoe: are you enjoying that, king?

Bakayama: WHY WOULD I

Hoe: because you looooovvvvveeeee chibi-chan!

Bakayama: I DONT LOVE HINAtA

Bakayama: I BARELY EVEN LIKE HIM

Gremlin: I KNOW YOU DONT LIKE ME BUT YOU DONT NEED TO BE THAT HARSH!

Gremlin: JEEZ

Daddy: you guys were supposed to be here at Ennoshita’s 20 minutes ago

Bakayama: we’re walking there now 

Bakayama: we just arent talking to each other

Gremlin: HMPH

Bakayama: making my way downtown

Bakayama: walking fast

Bakayama: ….

Bakayam: walking slightly slower so my footsteps match up with his because he’s short

Suga: lmao

Hoe: what are you guys doing at enoshita’s?

Suga: wouldnt you like to know sEtTeR BoY

Daddy: we’re having a sleepover 

Hoe: !!!!

Hoe: Why doesnt my team want to do that with me??/ :(

Unexpected bottom: Because our houses arent big enough for your fucking ego

Demon senpai: if it counts i have a monthly group meet up for short volleyball players for the soul purpose of not inviting Lev

Long leg: :(

Long leg: youre so mean

Demon senpai: bite me

Hoe: why does nobody want to have a sleepover with meeeeee

Gremlin: lets have a big sleepover with everyone!!!!!

Mad dog: no

Simp 1: Good idea hinata!!

Kenma: only if shouyo is there

Suga: where tho?

Mad dog: yahaba has a big house

Yahaba: oi, dont get me mixed up in this

Mad dog: shut up

Yahaba: i will rip your pubic hairs out with my teeth, one by one, bitch

Hoe: …..YAHABA’S HOUSE IT IS-

Gremlin: gWaH, they scare me!

Yamaguchi: im surprised mad dog has been to someone’s house

Bokuto: SLEEPOVER

Bokuto: YEAH! LETS DO IT!

Akaashi: god can you stop thirsting for death for like 5 minutes and let me drink my tea before you throw yourself in the middle of danger?

Akaashi: please, do not annoy karasuno again im getting tired

Hoe: *ka(rat)suno

Unexpected bottom: oikawa tooru, shut up

Simp 1: *oikawa t(rashfuckingratassmotherfuckershouldhavegonetoshiratorizawabitchlookingasswhoneedsafistfightbetweenusfuckingnonationalslookingbitch)ooru

Hoe: :(

Unexpected bottom: thank you noya

Kuroo: my favourite sex position is called WOW

Kuroo: its where i flip your MOM over

Demon Senpai: ba dum tiss

Kenma: theres this soft cactus as kuroo’s house and whenever i touch it i say ouch and pretend it hurts to encourage it’s confidence

Hoe: remember to drink water babes

Mad dog: no

kuroo: then become the dirt i walk on.

Mad dog: i will kill you

Hoe: i dont want to die a virgin!

kuroo: neither!

Hoe: well that gives me an idea

kenma: no

Daddy: this whole conversation kils me because theres no context

Daddy: like

Daddy: at all

Tendou: OOH GUYS

Hoe: when tf did he get here?

Tendou: I'M AT USHIJIMA’S AND HE SLEEPS WITH A VOLLEYBALL

Ushijima: Because you move in your sleep, I have to hold on to something

Hoe: I-

Yamaguchi: ….

Simp 1: 0.0

Simp 2: 0.0

Demon senpai: ..?

Suga: thats,,,,,actually kinda cute????

Hoe: USHIJIMA IS NOT CUTE AND HE DOES NOT CUDDLE THINGS IN HIS SLEEP I DONT APPROVE OF THIS

Ushijima: I grew up lonely what do you expect

Tendou: IM SORRY ILL STOP MOVING IN MY SLEEP

Daddy: i dont think thats how it works

Hoe: I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT USHIJIMA ACTUALLY HAS SOMETHING OTHER THAN A F R I E N D

Unexpected bottom: youre just mad that ushijima gets cuddles and you dont

Hoe: THATS YOUR FAULT

Ushijima: isnt that what friends do?

Yamaguchi: …

Yamaguchi: so you guys arent together?

Ushijima: tendou is a friend

Tendou: HAH OIKAWA DOESNT EVEN GET HUGS FROM HIS BOYFRIEND AND USHIJIMA GETS IT FROM HIS WHOLE TEAM

Hoe: I CAN BARELY GET CUDDLES FROM MY BOYFRIEND LET ALONE A WHOLE TEAM WTF

Ushijima: i just said that nobody has ever hugged me before and then everyone started crying and hugging me try that maybe it will work for you

Hoe: THATS SO SAD WTF

Gremlin: I told you all that ushijima is just Aone but bigger, they’re both just cuddly babies

Aone: hm

Ushijima: i dont exactly know whats going on

Hoe: i want my whole team to hug me

Ushijima: this is why you should have come to shiratorizawa

Hoe: NO

Yamaguchi: pSch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like ushijima is just a big touch starved baby along with aone


	3. hinata loving hours

Gremlin: Hinata  
Lev: long leg  
Unexpected bottom: Iwa  
Guchi’s daddy: Tsukki  
Daddy: Daichi  
Demon senpai: Yaku  
Mad dog: kyoutani  
Hoe: oikawa  
Aone:  
Terushima:  
Koganekawa: Angry bird  
Suga:  
Yahaba:  
Yamaguchi:  
Ushijima:  
Shimizu:  
Tendou:  
Yaichi:  
Simp 1: Noya  
Simp 2: Tanaka  
Asahi:  
Narita:  
Enoshita:  
Kuroo:  
Kenma:  
Bokuto:  
Akaashi:

Kuroo: dont die

Kenma: dont tell me what to do

Long leg: owo?

Yaichi: uwu?

Shimizu: never do that again

Yaichi: IM SORRY

Shimizu: its ok  
Simp 2: why is kenma dying

Kenma: because

Gremlin: NOOOOO KENMAAAA :(

Kenma: im not dying anymore

Kuroo: why do you love shortie more than me? :(

Kenma: hes shouyo. Do i need any other explanation

Kuroo: ...kinda

Kenma: i would die for shouyo

Bakayama: you will

Gremlin: nooooo!!!

Gremlin: kenma youre like a volleyball to me!

Kenma: why

Gremlin: because i aint ever gonna let you down!

Kenma: and because you want to smack me with incredible force and hit me over the net so you can use me to win something that will useless to you in a few years

Gremlin: no :(

Kuroo: kenma are you okay-

Kenma: no.

Kuroo: paint is for painting  
Glue is for sticking  
Would you like to come over for a good dicking?

Kema: fish needs ocean  
Farm needs land  
The only thing youll be dicking is your own hand

Demon senpai: AHA

Kuroo: smh

Kuroo: fuck this ill just be single

Kenma: as if you had any other choice

Kuroo: i thought you loved me

Kenma: i have to

Demon senpai: talented brilliant incredible amazing show stopping spectacular never the same totally unique completely not ever done before unfraid to reference or not reference put it in a blender shit on it vomit on it eat it give birth to it

Long leg: ...you typed that whole thing out

Demon senpai: i memorised it

Kuroo: you’re able to memorise that all but fail english?

Demon senpai: oh fuck off

Daddy: i feel uncomfortable about the fact that kuroo and oikawa are the smartest ones here

Hoe: AHA YOU PEASANTS

Kuroo: WE ARE THE ALPHAS

Gremlin: :(

Kuroo: very sorry hinata

Hoe: oh my god are you okay im sorry we’ll stop

Bakayama: you guys are idiots

Gremlin: well, AHEM bakayama, you dont have two powerhouse schools at your will now do u????

Hoe: holy shit, hes grown self-aware

Bakayama: i dont need to

Gremlin: well, when i was YOUR age-

Bakayama: when i was YOUR height

Gremlin: I-

Gremlin: :(

Demon senpai: lmao

Kuroo: im in the room next to you

Kuroo: i hear no laughing, no ass hitting the floor…

Kuroo: im friends with a liar….

Demon senpai: im in my house

Kuroo: i live next door you buffoon

Demon senpai: but kenma lives next to me

Kenma: he wont leave

Kuroo: i live here now

Demon senpai: you know, sometimes i question your guy’s relationship

Gremlin: same!

Bakayama: arent those two fucking

Kuroo: psch, i wish

Kuroo: kenma is like a cat, i cant touch him but he’ll happily snuggle on my lap

Kenma: shut up or ill elbow your dick

Kuroo: i thought you loved me…

Kenma: yeah….

Kuroo: more than shouyo?

Kenma: know your limits, coward

Gremlin: :DDDDDD

Hoe: hinata out here stealin mans with no effort

Bakayama: that midget couldnt get a girlfriend if he wanted to

Gremlin: girls are too pretty its intimidating, im too scared to even talk to shimizu sometimes

Shimizu: I’m gay it’s fine

Yaichi: I STILL DONT BELIEVE THAT SHEs MY GIRLFRIEND AHHHHHH

Akaashi: flirting was a lot less destructive than this back in my day

Bokuto: youre only 17!!

Akaashi: i feel so old

Gremlin: maybe you just havent been getting enough sleep!

Bokuto: yeah! Are you a morning or a night person!

Akaashi: im barely even a person

Bokuto: akaashi weve talked about this

Guchi’s daddy: i have an amazing discovery

Guchi’s daddy: hinata is as tall as olaf from frozen

Gremlin: arE YOU KIDDINF ME

Gremlin: NOO

Bakayama: HAH DUMBASS

**Author's Note:**

> ahhh i know i spelt iwa chans name wrong dont tell me srdtfygh


End file.
